Stay with me.

I think over the past month and a half I have been brutally undecided. I want him, but not really all of him, I don't want a boyfriend, I couldn't, I move so soon it's starting to feel real. It has been almost 6 weeks since I last saw him, almost 5 since I spoke to him, until Sunday, when in my drunken haze I text him saying 'I am definitely ready for you to come back.' his reply, 'I am on my way....x'

I adore the cheekiness of him, always the charm that gets me. I've missed so much about him, but mostly I have missed the happiness of being around him. My friends are asking me if I am excited to kiss him, to cuddle him, to sleep with him eventually. To be honest, I don't want any of those things, I can't remember what it is like to kiss him, not because it has been so long, but because it is irrelevant. I genuinely just want to see him. No words, even though I have missed that voice. I just want to be around him, feel his eyes on me when I'm dancing with my friends, feel his smile as he sees me getting chatted up at the bar and I'm declining. I am so intrigued about how I'll feel when I see him, calm, like I normally am? Excited, because let's face it, it has been so long and it is quite exciting? Nervous, in case his reaction isn't what I'm expecting? Disappointed, because I've built up this whole thing and seeing him will just make me realise what a lost cause this all is?

I'm trying to get the girls to come out on Saturday as I know he is back at work then and I'll definitely see him, but it is a bank holiday weekend, and we always do a Sunday. If we do the Sunday I know I will be on edge all night as I know he'll be out and I don't want to bump into him, I need to psyche myself up for this. I won't be able to play it how I want if you introduce the element of surprise. They all laugh at me, they know what an absolute pantomime this is, how big of a game we are both playing. It is an insult to my intelligence. I know he is probably fucking numerous girls, I know people listening or reading this will probably think why do it to yourself? I haven't got an answer, other than I am thriving off the chase. But I know it goes deeper, he can fuck who he likes, because I know we have something that goes so far beyond that that we haven't even gone there. So far in fact that we have sat in his house and weighed up the pro's and con's of sleeping together, and actually decided not to put ourselves through the after math. Although, to be honest, I am considering it more and more each day. I need to know if this is just serious lust or, dare I say it, love. I don't know if it is worth the risk.

In an ideal world, I would walk in there on Saturday, see him, feel nothing but happiness for seeing a friend. That would be good, that would be painless.