I can't get no sleep.

I can't breathe. I feel trapped, like I'm getting crushed from the inside out. It hits me rarely but when it does I want to give in to life. I want to scream and cry and push it away and run as fast and as far as I can so that it's not even a distant memory. I love him. I still fucking love him and it's all his fault. I hate him for doing this to me. For chewing me up and spitting me out when I never wanted any of this in the first place. HE wanted me. How the fuck did this happen? I lie awake terrified that I'm not going to have that feeling and I'm never going to let this go. I hear people talk about life regrets and all I can taste is the fear of standing at the alter with another man wishing that it was him. I'm 20 years old, this is normal, right? Is this first love, because I was with my ex-boyfriend for 3 years and never felt this. He's the one I fantasise about. The life we would lead. Make it stop. It isn't romantic, it's pathetic and tiring, I hate myself and I hate him for making me hate myself. I miss him but I never want to see him again. There is only so much you can hear from your friends, when they think that you're over it so feel that they can tell you, that they knew he was in love with me. I can't hear that he was in love with me. I can't hear about how he looked at me, how he speaks about me when I'm not around. Because I'm not ok. I can't keep comparing everyone in my life to him, and every experience to one we shared. It's boring. Please, let me let this go.

...today was a day just like any other.

So...I think I'm ready for a change. This worries me. I've been through a constant change for the past 10 months. I moved to Greece for 3 months, then I came back and moved to Manchester, alone, for 4 years. I've been there 7 months now, love every single part of it, but I'm lieing in bed now, terrified that this is it, for the next few years. Why can't I feel any sort of content anymore? The last time I did I remember...I was in Greece, about 3 days before I left, it was about 6pm and I was sitting with friends around the pool, it was that time of evening when the sun was going in but it was still so warm. One of my boys brought me over a beer, like he always did at that time. I remember looking around at these people who had been strangers to me a mere 10 weeks before, but who I trusted with my life every single day I was there. I remember that we didn't have work that night, we were all gonna go back to our little row of apartments, take a nap and hang out. Then we were gonna get dressed up and go and get drunk for one of the last times together. That feeling of order, safety, love in a place so random and once, so recently, unknown was unfathomable. I miss it, to the point I ache when I think about it, my heart quickens and I just lie awake thinking about it all the time. My best friend was with me, I know she had the time of her life, the greatest time any one could have, but I know I hold something completely different for it. I was so broken when I went there, vulnerable and fragile and one wrong move would have been detrimental. These people, these amazing people who I met, just seemed to glue me back together. Not only that, they seemed to find pieces that I didn't even know were missing. I can't explain the love I feel for them, even after months of not seeing some of them. I will always remember that summer, when I was young and broken and scared and carefree and stupid and loud and confident. The summer I laughed and loved and danced and sang and made a fool out of myself and became lustful and wanted. That is the best I have ever been. I learned from that place that you are always the best version of yourself when you are irrevocably happy. So, that is what I'm looking for now. That happiness.

I have the greatest friends a girl could ever want, this I know for 100% fact. I have a family who is supportive and hilarious yet still shadowed and troubled, we are a team, nothing can hold us down for long. I have my own home, with 3 flat mates who I adore. I am getting to the point now where I want to fall in love. With someone who will not let it pass them by. I need my heart to race like it did before, like it sometimes still does. I need that as a constant in my life. I strive when I feel the pressure of lust. I need someone to fight for me for once, because I don't think anyone really has before...I need to let someone in, I need to allow it. I feel like someone is going to come into my life soon but I don't know where or when. Many say my biggest assett is that I don't care what any one thinks of me, I am completely my own person and people actually always like me. I agree with that, not in an arrogant, dick head way, people do like me. I make an effort with everyone I meet. Conversation is easy for me and I think I have a way of making anyone feel comfortable. One of my best boy friends told me the other day that I was the girl who he goes home and tells his friends about, that I'm the one he'd compare a girl to, that I am the example that he and his friends hold as a pillar of the way they want their girl to be. I think that is one of the biggest compliments I could receive from him, the biggest player in Manchester, other than what followed that "You're the girl I've told my mum about as one of my best friends here."

I began writing this as a kind of 'let-off-steam-about-wanting-a-man', but I guess it kind of all comes down to yourself in the end. How you feel about yourself, how you see yourself. I see myself as a mess, but others seem to think I've got it figured out. What does that say about anything?

Here's trouble now.

I turn to writing when I'm not sure how to feel. For the first time in months I don't know. I am happy, I genuinely am. Content in a way that I have always wanted. I have new friends that feel like have been there for many years. I am besotted by them, they bring me out of myself, we talk about everything, and I mean everything.

I had the summer of my life, a summer I couldn't even begin to describe to anyone, where I have met some of the most important people in my world. They fixed me, put me back together.

...And then I moved to Manchester, and built a real life for myself, a home and friends. It has been phenomenal.

Now though, I feel a bit lost, finally in a place where I can breathe and over-look everything that has happened over the past few months.

But I miss him. A dull ache to a once physical pain. But he is back in my life, in some ways stronger than ever. He told me he loved me recently. A drunk night that turned into a long 3am phone-call. I know the love he means because I feel it too, not the kind of love that we'll promise to make it work no matter the distance that i now permanently between us, but in a way that will over ride it all really. That his face still softens whenever I see him. That the smile still comes, that he holds on that little bit longer whenever he hugs me, that he still calls me 'trouble' but not in the way he once did, now it's as if he is reliving everything, a cheeky grin when he says it. I love him, so much. I think about him again every single day and it pisses me off more than ever. But I don't hate him for it anymore, love him for making an effort with me, calling me surprisingly some mornings, that's always my favourite.

A few month ago I wanted to come and write how I was over him, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I'm not gonna get over it, I know that, I really do. But I'm not clinging to some hopeless dream state. "You never know what is going to happen in the future" he said to me. I see that he is right now. I don't want to know either. Ignorance is bliss for me, for him, for us.

But I just feel too tired to be fighting, guess I'm not the fighting kind.

I suppose I don't know where my head has been for six months. Some days it was here, some days it was with lost loved ones, some days it was just lost altogether and others it was with him. I move to Greece for at least 2 months a week today. The big change has finally came. There have been a few important loose ends to tie up. Nick came round to drop off a phone that we bought last year to take to the Dominican. It was awful, seeing him and hating him, he looked sad and like he wanted to chat, but i couldn't. I felt so mad at him for moving on so quickly, even though I know in my heart of hearts that it is just a rebound for him and what he needs. I know he still loves me, can tell when he looks at me, been told by my best friend who's boyfriend is his best friend. But, still...it hurts. Not because I want to be with him, not that at all, just we were together for so long, there were times that I never thought that he would ever be with anyone else other than me.

And then there's him. We said our goodbyes, it was quick, things got awfully strange at one point but then reconciled at the end. He told me how much he loved me, how great I was going to be in Manchester, to call him if I needed anything in Greece because he worked in the same place for two summers himself. It didn't break my heart like I thought it would, we were too far gone, and I guess I've know this was coming from the start. But still I have thoughts of him, especially since my brother came in from a night out with him the other day, told me that he was asking after me, then slipped in that he'd actually brought a girl along. I don't know if it was a date, who she was, no matter how much facebook creeping I have tried and failed to find out. I guess it doesn't matter, doesn't matter at all. I want him to be happy, truly and genuinely, but I know that there is such a massive part of me that wants to be the one to make him happy. I can't even romanticise it now. I don't think there'll be a day when there is not that spark, but I know now that I'm not going to see him for a very long time. I stayed at my best friends last night, we spoke about it, she looked at me mid-sentence "you're in love with him aren't you?" I just looked back, not even shocked, more surprised it took this long for her to notice. "I can't believe it...you are so in love with him. What are you gonna do?" What can I do? Nothing. Let it go and stop this fucking aching in my chest that has been troubling me for months. I'm gonna go to Greece and feel some freedom from him, remember what it is like to go out and enjoy myself alone. I'm going to find a nice 6'2", tanned, toned man to keep me company, and I'm going to have a fucking blast with my two best friends. Then I'm going to come back, get into university, move to Manchester and finally put behind me the god awful year that was 2010 and the car crash of the recovery 6 month that is 2011.

The clock has just struck midnight. It's now officially 6 days until I leave. It's the 16th June...it's exactly one year since Nick and I went to the Dominican. I was so miserable this time last year, even though I was about to fly to the Caribbean, I was in a prison of a relationship. I sit now, so full of sadness and longing, but for once, in so long, happiness, excitement...and hope. I have a wonderful life, it's hard and challenging and a constant test, but I'm about to go and have the summer of my life...and in all fairness, there are much worse things to have ahead of you.

I would do anything for love...but I won't do that.

I can handle nick meeting someone else, allowing them to be his girlfriend even though it seems like we have only been split up for 5 minutes. It is obvious that I have not been sitting around thinking about him, that I have managed to move on. I finally feel good about being on my own, as much as he is still in my life, I do feel very much single. I feel like it is finally over. Just as well saying as he goes back to London in the next couple of weeks, then I will probably not see him again for another 6 months or so. Hopefully by that time he will not cross my mind every day. He doesn't plague me or determine my nights out anymore, we are in a good place. I know I will think of him every time I hear Michael Bolton, I am pretty damn certain of that. Even now, when it comes on my shuffle, I smile to myself. It was last night, I was sitting in the club talking about Nick, said I was thankful for my rebound because he stopped me from getting back with Nick, but I was more thankful for him because he was the first one who made me genuinely happy. To feel completely comfortable with somebody. I think I will always love him, it was a quick love, painful and painless. I know it isn't over, that maybe it never will be, that my heart will always break when he looks at me, that I'll always wish that circumstances were different, that we could at least give it a go. But we are dangerous, he makes me far too powerful and far too weak. There has never been a happy medium in anything we do, passionate kisses followed by too tender of hugs. Kissing my nose, then biting my lip.

I'll see him around, smile whenever I hear a Londoner, catch my breath when I smell him. I will always want him, that's ok though, life always has a funny way of making sure you get the most out of it...and for now, I feel I have gotten the most out of him. He has allowed me to love again, fall quicker and harder...for that, I will walk away without looking back, and into my new life, completely and blissfully alone.

Set fire to the third bar.

I lost a best friend. On 15th September 2007. When I write it out it seems like so long ago, it feels like another life, I like to think that he still crosses my mind at some point every single day, but I'm not sure of that. However, I do know, that he crosses my mind in my most troubled of days, my saddest and happiest times. The days that you will look back and remember. The important days. My friend, Jordan David Thompson, lost his long battle with leukaemia age 15. He had survived once, it was in between the first and second battle that we became close friends. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and I know that I was lucky enough to have this guardian angel so that I would always have a standing point, when life seems difficult I would always have something, someone, to look at and aspire to be. To think 'what would Toma do?'

Losing a friend, so young and under such horrifying circumstances, is a very selfish thing I found. I wanted everyone to know that he was mine, that he was my friend, that this pain was mine, no one else's. Although, of course, it was so many others as well.

I cried for days. I walked around in a daze for weeks. Friendship was the only thing that got me through.

I remember, it was a friday night, my friend Rachel rang me, sobbing. Telling me Toma was getting worse, that they didn't think that he'd make it through the night. I was 15 at the time, just walked out of the house at 11pm. It was warm, the end of summer. I met Rach at the bottom of my street, she could barely stand. i didn't cry, the news hadn't hit, my head was all over. We all met up at the shops close by, sat on a field. Discussed everything. As it happened, it was said that if he made it through the night, he should be ok. He made it through the night, and the following day. We all went out to a gig that night, went our separate ways after an hour or so because we weren't actually old enough to get in. My friends dad picked us up while others went to the cinema. We were almost home, her phone went, she dropped it after about 20 seconds. Screamed so loud I remember actually reaching to open the door even though we were driving. We went to my friends, Andy. We had all split up about 2 hours before, yet suddenly we were all back together within the space of about 15 minutes. The night is a blur. He was gone. I cried for his mother, his father, but most of all his little sister. Because I could never image my life without my big brother. I could try and tell you about that night, but all I remember are the facts, everything else is muddled in the most painful of memories.

I can sit here now, 19 years old, and wonder why I have been given an extra 4 years on Jordan. Why do i get to live? Grow up? But to be honest, other than those 4 years, I have nothing on Jordan. He is my inspiration, my comic relief, my angel. I know that there is a heaven because there is no other place that he could possibly be. I can see his face so clear, so painfully clear. I smile thinking of it, no sadness at all when I see him this clear. I could say that I know Jordan would have been great if he was given the days, but he was already great. He was everything I long to be, positive, funny, caring, so full of life.

So, today, on his would-be nineteenth birthday, I spare a million thoughts for my friend, for our memories together, for the next nineteen years that I will try to match his courage and his strength, and try to be half the human being that he was. I love you, Toma. Thank you for letting me know you, and fall head over heels for you just like everybody else you ever met did. I miss you every single day, happy birthday xxx

This love is dirtier than you think.

I saw him, finally, a week later than I had anticipated. With two of my best girlfriends, Lauren and Hannah. Hannah's jaw dropped when she seen him, said she couldn't take her eyes off him, Lauren, a girl who really has never shown interest in men, said that he was divine, that finally she understood all the fuss. It wasn't what I wanted to hear, although it did make me smile. He saw me, he looked backed down to what he was doing, still smiling, he was serving others but kept his eyes on me. I got to the bar, he gave me a hug, whispered that it was good to see me. I felt very cold towards him and I don't know why, i was suddenly aware I hadn't seen him for 7 weeks and it wasn't as comfortable as it usually was, even though it was by no means awkward. I don't know if it was just because the girls were watching our every move. He asked me where we are going later "Why? You never end up coming out on a Saturday." I reply. "I will tonight, I hear you were at the strippers on Monday, we'll go there."he suggests. "I have a funny story for you about the strippers that you'll love" I was out with my brother and his friends on Monday, indeed at the strippers as his best friend is the manager and we get ludicrously cheap drinks, it was a brilliant night, until my brother seen a text off him by absolute chance and darn bad luck. He went berserk, we had half an hour argument over one measly text which, for the record, said absolutely nothing. It gave me a glimpse into the consequences of what would happen if he actually knew the half of it.

After about 3 minutes of conversation I ask the girls what they think of him "It is clear that he only has eyes for you, something about the way he looks at you and speaks to you, its like there is only you two. He is stupidly handsome, and stupidly confident, but there is something about him, I don't trust him." says Hannah.

"I don't like him. He is too confident I'd even say he was arrogant. I don't trust him with you, he's got a look in his eye when he talks to you that I don't like, like he knows what he's doing to you. He laps up all of the attention and just loves it. He seems like a complete prick and I 100% do not trust him with you." That is Lauren, my best friend talking. The one person who opinion I wanted to hear because I knew she'd tell me the full honest truth. I can genuinely put my hand on my heart and admit that yeah, he is confident verging on arrogant, he does lap up the attention, even thrives off it. But he is not a prick, he is actually one of the loveliest people I know and a joy to be around, but it is apparent that he does give off this first impression as this is what another friend thought of him the first time she met him.

We are set to leave the bar, I do my rounds to say good bye to everyone. I save him for last, tell him I'll text him later and that I'm staying at his "Tonight?" he asks "Stay on Monday please, you'll have work in the morning and I don't get home 'til about 3." He's right but I don't care, there are some things I need to do and say. It's now or never I tell him. He says that's fine, but we won't get anywhere near enough Michael Bolton into 5 hours as we should.

I think I stagger out at his at about quarter to 4, he came and met me out of the taxi, as soon as he seen me he grabbed my face and kissed me. It felt normal and familiar, good to be back. I tell him about Callum seeing the text, he is instantly alarmed, asking what he knows, if he knows. I reassure him that I talked him out of any ideas he may have had. I tell him that I'm glad he left when he did, that things got a bit heavy the last time I was there, he agrees and said that he had thought that, had forgot about it until he saw me again. Is it just wanting what we can't have I ask him. Probably, he answers, but we'll never know anyway. He is, of course, correct. The rest of the night, as they say, is history...

I sit here today feeling so calm about everything, so much better. Getting said things out of my system has given me such incredible clarity. We have been dangerously in lust since day one. So much so that we were willing to ruin relationships for it. I suppose we have in some ways. I love him, but not in the way I thought. I know he is going to be a part of my life and that this is by no means the end. But now, I feel that I can go on living my life without thoughts of him darkening every moment. I feel light, weightless, it is unbelievable. I hope we enjoy our last few weeks together, because above and beyond everything, I like to think that we are friends before anything. I am glad that that is finally my priority and first thought when I think about him. I know that if we could be together then we would be, but finally it seems that we both know that we can't, and that is ok. I hope I get the chance to enjoy him properly now, he is still my happy place, I think he will be long after I move away, but instead of that thought scaring me, as it has for months, it gives me great comfort.