Tell me how am I supposed to live without you?

I didn't have to wait until Wednesday. It came sooner, Monday. I was out with a friend and all of her work friends, pretty much strangers, but after a few trebles everyone is family. I was enjoying myself, dreamily drunk and laughing. I was on my gay friends back, he is so tall and my dress was short. I was giggling trying to climb aboard his 6 foot 4 frame. My dress was rolled right up, showing my bare arse to the world, I was shouting telling the girls to pull it down, laughing hard about something entirely different. I could hear boys behind me laughing and cheering at my behind and my struggle. Then I heard him "It's fucking Courtney!". I'd know that voice anywhere. That broad cockney accent amongst the strong Geordie that is my own and the locals. "Fuck my life, it's him" I whispered to Craig, still aboard, not having to turn around. I felt his hands on me, pulling me down and my dress into a more acceptable position. I can't help it, I feel my face break into the smile that I know only comes when I'm with him. Rachel, one of my best girl friends who was there from the start of this mess, turns to her friends, "Here we go..." she says not so quietly. My gay friend stands with his mouth open "Who is that?!". I smile, smug again. It's cold, he pulls me into him, lifts me up, kisses my head, we chat for a while, we're going to different clubs but he asks me if I'll stay the night, "You, me and Michael Bolton, what more could you want?" It's a good question. Nothing.. I say I'll call him later, he leaves, and my night is made. Off 3 minutes worth of conversation. I think that it was the surprise, the situation. Other than the first night that we ever spoke I have not been surprised to see him, it has always been expected, I liked that at least that part was on my terms.
I go to the biggest gay club in the city. We are ridiculously drunk, dancing to Abba, loving life. I know I'm going to see him, that is the best part. It gets to about 2:30 and I call him, tell him I'll be half an hour, that I'm going for food and I'll jump into a cab...so I do. The taxi driver looks at me at some point during the journey..."It isn't often you see a smile like that at this time, he must be special" I'm looking out of the window, unaware that my face isn't set in its regular straight manner, his comment takes me aback a bit.
He meets me at the shop outside of his house, kisses me straight away, we are laughing about something. I end up lieing on the grass, him beside me and my stomach hurts from laughing, I can't put my finger on what we were laughing at now, but he is winding me up about the states that I get in and how he doesn't know how he can handle me. I wonder how I am handling this. Being so worryingly happy off absolutely nothing. We go up to his room, he gets a bottle of wine even though we have drank way too much. I can remember sitting there, in his own bedroom, praying that he'll come back for me. So ridiculous when I think about it, but even though it is the second time I have been there in only a couple of weeks I can not believe how much I like him. He puts Michael Bolton on as promised, our favourite. We start talking, about everything. My fucked up year, my break-up, his break-up, his move, my grand parents. He looks at me during the latter, as I pour about my grandmother, a subject I haven't spoke about to anyone other than my best friend. "I hope that is me one day." I look at him shocked, I'm talking about my grandma on her deathbed after only being ill for 6 weeks. "Why on earth?" I question.
"She'd just lost the love of her life. When I get married I hope I go that soon after my love dies, some people aren't meant to live without each other. That is the love I want." I remember the look he gives me as he says this. He looks at me, I look at him. We know we could have that and it is ludicrous. I am falling in love with this kid and I am suddenly terrified. We start talking about my brother, but not like normal, not about how we shouldn't be here but more dismissive. "We're only having a kiss and cuddle" he says. "You know that's not all we're doing" I say, and he gives me the look, its fierce and sad. But I have told him about my move to Manchester, he tells me he goes regularly to visit friends, it doesn't make a difference of course. I know I'll have to leave this behind.
He drops the bomb then. He is going home to London on Saturday...for a month. He is back for three weeks, then away again for the summer. By the time he gets back, I'll be gone.
I got the night that I wanted, I had things to ask. I needed to know if he feels the same. I know he does. We are disgustingly perfect for each other. We laugh far too hard, tell each other far too much. We haven't slept together, I'm terrified to, I think he prefers it that way as well, even though we lie one step away from it, craving each other. We know it's going to make it messier than it already is, if that is even possible. So he holds me, right the way through Rod Stewart's greatest hits. I leave in the morning and tell him I'll see him on Wednesday, knowing that I'm not going to. That I need to cut my ties now before my heart splits clean in two by spending an extra minute with him. I hold onto him a second longer than usual when I leave, tell him I'll miss him. Give him a smile. "That smile, trouble." he says sadly. I adore when he calls me Trouble. He kisses the side of my mouth and I leave. I think I can 100% say that I am falling for him, the one thing I said I would never do. But I think he is breaking his rules as well. We haven't stuck to a single rule since the day we met, so I am not gonna vow that I'll not fall completely in love with him, out of absolute terror that I'll break that one too.

Things just get so crazy, living life gets hard to do.

I don't know how much longer I can go on feeling like this. I don't know if I am happy, so I guess that has to mean that I'm not. I went out again last night, I seen him. I don't know how I feel, it's so difficult. A stupid and messy situation that could become so much easier as of last night, but I know it's not going to. Maybe it is just an excuse for both of us. My big brother keeping us apart, yet last night he left his job, they are no longer colleges. I suppose they'll be friends but not good friends - old friends. It is a little worrying to think what would have happened if we'd met under different circumstances, the compatibility is fierce. I hate that when I get drunk now I can not remember conversations. I know I had a good one last night but I just can't remember the words, or even the gist; purely the feeling of smugness and happiness that he often brings. My friend commented on how she found it uncomfortable to be in our presence, the sexual tension being too high, she felt like she shouldn't be there, even though we are standing in the busiest bar in town on a Saturday night and he is merely serving me a treble vodka and red bull. I know nothing will happen with us, I don't think I want anything to, I could never trust him, and I don't think that men like him are meant to be tamed. I'm out on Wednesday, and Wednesday nights bring bad news for us. We meet after he finishes work, he buys me vodka and orange and I complain that it makes me sick every time. Then we start kissing, then we stop, he'll dissapear for a while, kissing somebody else, no doubt, in the club with so many rooms. Then we'll sit in a room that has quickly become ours, have conversations that I never remember, kiss some more. Maybe I'll go back to his flat this time, I don't know, I haven't been out with him since I ended up there. Maybe it'll become an occurrence, maybe it was strictly a one off. I vow not to have sex with him. I just can't figure this whole thing out. He has become a real person in my life, someone who I feel I'll have to say a proper goodbye to when I move, though he is nothing. We have no reason to know each other, to spend any time together. I have met countless people in the exact same way, people I would call my friends and have done for years, yet I still don't have their phone numbers - I don't need them. I don't need his. But it was a big deal getting it, becoming friends on Facebook when for 6 weeks prior I had said I didn't want to be. When I write it out it is clear what is happening, we couldn't just let it go. The attraction was too strong, but we are old enough to know better and young enough to not really care. People have asked me "Is this really worth the relationship with your brother over?" I answer no, but I know that if it was something real then my brother would get over it. But this isn't real, it is pantomime and we love the dramatics, so for now, I am keeping my heart and mouth closed.

The magic feather! Now you can fly!

I have just returned from Disneyland Paris. The happiest place on earth. It did bring me happiness. Time with my two cousins, and time with my 4 year old niece. The most beautiful, care-free and funny child in the world. She drives me mad, but I can not explain my love for her. It is her face that I see when I really think about my move to Manchester, even though she has a younger sister and I have a further niece and nephew with whom I am just as close. Maybe it is because they are so young that I don't crave their company like Skye's.
I have had a lot of perspective. I think I decided for real that I was moving about a week ago, but I have just told people today, funny as that is when my final offer came through, the last thing I needed before I could officially make the decision. I took it as a positive sign, like so many things recently. I am thankful for a lot of things right now, my incredible family for one. My father who works so hard to provide everything I have ever wanted, my big brother who is my best friend, who would protect me from anyone or anything, and trusts no one when it comes to me. And my mother, my mam, the most perfect woman to walk the planet, I genuinely aspire to have her strength one day. Her stable marriage with my father, her relationships with her friends, her amazing maternal instincts. I am so lucky to have her. But most of all, right now, I am thankful for my grandparents, both of whom I lost last year. We are in the process of selling their home, we leave for good on the 1st of April. I suddenly become £50,000 richer. They have given me the push, and the finances to be able to go and do whatever I want next year, to live in the nicer apartment, and to go without any worries or cares. I would pay ten times that to have 10 more minutes with either one of them. Guiltily my grandmother more so, I wouldn't even have to say a word to her. I take great peace in knowing that the last thing that I ever said to her was 'I love you'. Because I did, I do. I miss her so much it is actually a physical ache some times. She was taken so quickly, but I am glad we got the short time we did knowing her fate. It allowed me to say what I wanted, it allowed me to lie in bed with her and hold her hand until we both fell asleep, it gave us time to laugh about things, cry about others, but we always held hands, held on to each other, comforting and knowing. I know my brother was the favourite of the two grandchildren she had. That was always ok with me, I was her only granddaughter and I know she loved me unconditionally and incredibly. Sometimes I forget that she won't be there for certain things, like my graduation, or my wedding, she would have so loved to see me get married and start a family and be a success. I know she was proud of me though, I know that she knew I would figure it out, I don't think she had the same reassurance with my brother, even though he has always figured it out and things always work out for him. But as I will soon have to go to the shell of their empty home I am thankful for one thing, that they were my grandparents. I love you, I miss you every day, I no longer fear death because I know that you are both up there, that gives me a lifetime of peace...thankyou.

You love me, you like her.

I'm depending on too many people for my happiness at the moment. I haven't, in years, just been on my own. No one to distract my attention, no one to fill my days or my thoughts. This is troubling me. I don't know if I could be on my own, if it is physically possible. There is always someone on my mind. That is really sad. I think I kid myself into thinking about someone, wanting someone, until somebody else comes along and we go through the process again. I think I am in love with the idea of being in love. Completely and inconsumably in love. Not what I have experienced, or really anybody who I have ever met. Maybe my grandparents, but I never really asked them how much they loved each other. It never seemed appropriate considering my Grandfather's condition from such a young age.
I see myself with someone, hilarious, warm, completely fills the room, passionate, strong in every sense of the word, impeccable manners, polite, sharp, adoring, fiercely loyal, impractically handsome with the smile of the Lords. People always say that they notice a persons eyes first, I never do, it is always the smile. I think somebodies smile says a lot about them at that moment. There are so many different types of smiles, and so many different smiles you learn as you grow to know a person. A smile can say so many things - I like you, I love you, I hate you, you're not funny, you're hilarious, this is awkward, you've surprised me, you're beautiful, I want to have sex with you, I want to make love to you, I want to kiss you, I want you to kiss me. I love the secrets behind smiles...but genuinely, for now, i just really need to learn to smile on my own.

I know you've been burned, but every fire is a lesson learned.

I guess I know I'm in trouble when I turn to music and writing again. The loneliness is bitter at the moment. My best friend has a new boyfriend, she has never had one before. She knows him because of my ex, something I can do nothing but resent, because I put them together. I'm angry at her happiness, I don't understand it. He isn't attractive, yet she is beautiful. The relationship seems forced, like she hasn't had it before and wants to know what it is that we're all talking about. But it is effecting her like it did us all, she is there constantly, she doesn't want to come out and fuck up her life with me anymore. She doesn't understand why I want to move to Manchester for university, and that enrages me. I have nothing here anymore. I always thought I'd be staying for Nick, that I couldn't bare to leave him for another life. Turns out I could leave him, and for no reason at all. I still feel so proud of myself when I remember my strength that day. Although it was the worst day, that is the best I have ever been. My thoughts are so scattered, clearly so are my words. There are a few on my mind, my ex, my best friend, the new kid, my rebound and always my grandmother followed quickly by my grandad. I always wonder what they would say if they could see me, I don't think they'd be annoyed, or even dissapointed. More worried, anxious, saddened. I can't sit still, I am constantly on the move, sometimes purely mentally. The alcohol slows my thoughts down, way down. I see the people I want to when I'm out. I see him. Pray that I can relive that night with him, I need a few more hours of conversation with him because I didn't find out everything that I wanted, or maybe I did, I just can't remember. You're not supposed to notice some things about people you've just met. I spent few nights with the rebound after Nick. The most handsome man I know. The love of my thirteen year old self, somebody so attractive he couldn't possibly walk down the street with every woman looking at him. Yet I could not tell you, for anything, what colour eyes he has. Yet this new guy, I remember his lashes, so thick, something woman all around the world pay good money for, something I paid £10 for that very day, and ruined that very night by sleeping in them. His weren't ruined, typically so. Some of us are just better than others. I smile when I think of this night, it was one of those imperfect messes that should never have happened, but you would not take it back, not ever. The alcohol filled the room, the warmth in the morning, the first sunny day in 2011, the clicking of toes and the sound of his phone warning him that it too needs recharging. I like this kid...and his eyes are a murky green, just like mine.

Do you see what we've done? We're gonna make such fools of ourselves.

It has been so long since I have been on here. I read back over the few posts I have posted. So in love and so naieve. I am lucky, I think I loved and I know I lost. 2 and a half years later and I finally said I was done. Said goodbye to my partner, my best friend, my safety net. My heart shattered even though it was my decision, I find that your own decisions are the hardest to deal with. I'm here now, barely breathing, barely standing, barely anything at all. I drink, a lot. 4 times a week. I sleep in strange places and thrive off the awkwardness in the morning. I have met someone, I don't understand him, but understand everything. He doesn't fool me, and I'm terrified that I don't fool him. I have gotten awfully good at playing this role. Confident verging on arrogant, carefree verging on careless, exciting verging on dangerous. I like that girl, she is so sure, she is beautiful at times, she is desirable and seductive. She isn't me, I am getting painfully needy, something I have never been. I love the chase, I am loving this chase, but the rules have changed and I'm scared that when all of this comes to a front its not just gonna be our relationship that it is affected. I am playing with fire and I'm desperate to be burned. I have been numbed by pain, its dull and unnoticeable now, but I know it's there, taunting me. He makes me smile, I don't know what it is. His painfully beautiful face. His hip bones that I just can't get enough of. His accent. His ability to make me feel immediately sexy, with last nights make up on, the ugliest t-shirt you have ever seen and tights. His strength...physically, so masculine, painfully so...that's the part that took my breath for a moment. But there are other things, the scarily similar past 6 months we have had, even though he has moved city and uprooted his whole life, something I haven't. Our terrible taste in power ballads. The way I genuinely can't help but smile the second I see him. I refuse to fall for this boy who everyone has warned me about, but I can't bare to get down from the ledge.