I know you've been burned, but every fire is a lesson learned.

I guess I know I'm in trouble when I turn to music and writing again. The loneliness is bitter at the moment. My best friend has a new boyfriend, she has never had one before. She knows him because of my ex, something I can do nothing but resent, because I put them together. I'm angry at her happiness, I don't understand it. He isn't attractive, yet she is beautiful. The relationship seems forced, like she hasn't had it before and wants to know what it is that we're all talking about. But it is effecting her like it did us all, she is there constantly, she doesn't want to come out and fuck up her life with me anymore. She doesn't understand why I want to move to Manchester for university, and that enrages me. I have nothing here anymore. I always thought I'd be staying for Nick, that I couldn't bare to leave him for another life. Turns out I could leave him, and for no reason at all. I still feel so proud of myself when I remember my strength that day. Although it was the worst day, that is the best I have ever been. My thoughts are so scattered, clearly so are my words. There are a few on my mind, my ex, my best friend, the new kid, my rebound and always my grandmother followed quickly by my grandad. I always wonder what they would say if they could see me, I don't think they'd be annoyed, or even dissapointed. More worried, anxious, saddened. I can't sit still, I am constantly on the move, sometimes purely mentally. The alcohol slows my thoughts down, way down. I see the people I want to when I'm out. I see him. Pray that I can relive that night with him, I need a few more hours of conversation with him because I didn't find out everything that I wanted, or maybe I did, I just can't remember. You're not supposed to notice some things about people you've just met. I spent few nights with the rebound after Nick. The most handsome man I know. The love of my thirteen year old self, somebody so attractive he couldn't possibly walk down the street with every woman looking at him. Yet I could not tell you, for anything, what colour eyes he has. Yet this new guy, I remember his lashes, so thick, something woman all around the world pay good money for, something I paid £10 for that very day, and ruined that very night by sleeping in them. His weren't ruined, typically so. Some of us are just better than others. I smile when I think of this night, it was one of those imperfect messes that should never have happened, but you would not take it back, not ever. The alcohol filled the room, the warmth in the morning, the first sunny day in 2011, the clicking of toes and the sound of his phone warning him that it too needs recharging. I like this kid...and his eyes are a murky green, just like mine.