Do you see what we've done? We're gonna make such fools of ourselves.

It has been so long since I have been on here. I read back over the few posts I have posted. So in love and so naieve. I am lucky, I think I loved and I know I lost. 2 and a half years later and I finally said I was done. Said goodbye to my partner, my best friend, my safety net. My heart shattered even though it was my decision, I find that your own decisions are the hardest to deal with. I'm here now, barely breathing, barely standing, barely anything at all. I drink, a lot. 4 times a week. I sleep in strange places and thrive off the awkwardness in the morning. I have met someone, I don't understand him, but understand everything. He doesn't fool me, and I'm terrified that I don't fool him. I have gotten awfully good at playing this role. Confident verging on arrogant, carefree verging on careless, exciting verging on dangerous. I like that girl, she is so sure, she is beautiful at times, she is desirable and seductive. She isn't me, I am getting painfully needy, something I have never been. I love the chase, I am loving this chase, but the rules have changed and I'm scared that when all of this comes to a front its not just gonna be our relationship that it is affected. I am playing with fire and I'm desperate to be burned. I have been numbed by pain, its dull and unnoticeable now, but I know it's there, taunting me. He makes me smile, I don't know what it is. His painfully beautiful face. His hip bones that I just can't get enough of. His accent. His ability to make me feel immediately sexy, with last nights make up on, the ugliest t-shirt you have ever seen and tights. His strength...physically, so masculine, painfully so...that's the part that took my breath for a moment. But there are other things, the scarily similar past 6 months we have had, even though he has moved city and uprooted his whole life, something I haven't. Our terrible taste in power ballads. The way I genuinely can't help but smile the second I see him. I refuse to fall for this boy who everyone has warned me about, but I can't bare to get down from the ledge.