You love me, you like her.

I'm depending on too many people for my happiness at the moment. I haven't, in years, just been on my own. No one to distract my attention, no one to fill my days or my thoughts. This is troubling me. I don't know if I could be on my own, if it is physically possible. There is always someone on my mind. That is really sad. I think I kid myself into thinking about someone, wanting someone, until somebody else comes along and we go through the process again. I think I am in love with the idea of being in love. Completely and inconsumably in love. Not what I have experienced, or really anybody who I have ever met. Maybe my grandparents, but I never really asked them how much they loved each other. It never seemed appropriate considering my Grandfather's condition from such a young age.
I see myself with someone, hilarious, warm, completely fills the room, passionate, strong in every sense of the word, impeccable manners, polite, sharp, adoring, fiercely loyal, impractically handsome with the smile of the Lords. People always say that they notice a persons eyes first, I never do, it is always the smile. I think somebodies smile says a lot about them at that moment. There are so many different types of smiles, and so many different smiles you learn as you grow to know a person. A smile can say so many things - I like you, I love you, I hate you, you're not funny, you're hilarious, this is awkward, you've surprised me, you're beautiful, I want to have sex with you, I want to make love to you, I want to kiss you, I want you to kiss me. I love the secrets behind smiles...but genuinely, for now, i just really need to learn to smile on my own.