Things just get so crazy, living life gets hard to do.

I don't know how much longer I can go on feeling like this. I don't know if I am happy, so I guess that has to mean that I'm not. I went out again last night, I seen him. I don't know how I feel, it's so difficult. A stupid and messy situation that could become so much easier as of last night, but I know it's not going to. Maybe it is just an excuse for both of us. My big brother keeping us apart, yet last night he left his job, they are no longer colleges. I suppose they'll be friends but not good friends - old friends. It is a little worrying to think what would have happened if we'd met under different circumstances, the compatibility is fierce. I hate that when I get drunk now I can not remember conversations. I know I had a good one last night but I just can't remember the words, or even the gist; purely the feeling of smugness and happiness that he often brings. My friend commented on how she found it uncomfortable to be in our presence, the sexual tension being too high, she felt like she shouldn't be there, even though we are standing in the busiest bar in town on a Saturday night and he is merely serving me a treble vodka and red bull. I know nothing will happen with us, I don't think I want anything to, I could never trust him, and I don't think that men like him are meant to be tamed. I'm out on Wednesday, and Wednesday nights bring bad news for us. We meet after he finishes work, he buys me vodka and orange and I complain that it makes me sick every time. Then we start kissing, then we stop, he'll dissapear for a while, kissing somebody else, no doubt, in the club with so many rooms. Then we'll sit in a room that has quickly become ours, have conversations that I never remember, kiss some more. Maybe I'll go back to his flat this time, I don't know, I haven't been out with him since I ended up there. Maybe it'll become an occurrence, maybe it was strictly a one off. I vow not to have sex with him. I just can't figure this whole thing out. He has become a real person in my life, someone who I feel I'll have to say a proper goodbye to when I move, though he is nothing. We have no reason to know each other, to spend any time together. I have met countless people in the exact same way, people I would call my friends and have done for years, yet I still don't have their phone numbers - I don't need them. I don't need his. But it was a big deal getting it, becoming friends on Facebook when for 6 weeks prior I had said I didn't want to be. When I write it out it is clear what is happening, we couldn't just let it go. The attraction was too strong, but we are old enough to know better and young enough to not really care. People have asked me "Is this really worth the relationship with your brother over?" I answer no, but I know that if it was something real then my brother would get over it. But this isn't real, it is pantomime and we love the dramatics, so for now, I am keeping my heart and mouth closed.