I would do anything for love...but I won't do that.

I can handle nick meeting someone else, allowing them to be his girlfriend even though it seems like we have only been split up for 5 minutes. It is obvious that I have not been sitting around thinking about him, that I have managed to move on. I finally feel good about being on my own, as much as he is still in my life, I do feel very much single. I feel like it is finally over. Just as well saying as he goes back to London in the next couple of weeks, then I will probably not see him again for another 6 months or so. Hopefully by that time he will not cross my mind every day. He doesn't plague me or determine my nights out anymore, we are in a good place. I know I will think of him every time I hear Michael Bolton, I am pretty damn certain of that. Even now, when it comes on my shuffle, I smile to myself. It was last night, I was sitting in the club talking about Nick, said I was thankful for my rebound because he stopped me from getting back with Nick, but I was more thankful for him because he was the first one who made me genuinely happy. To feel completely comfortable with somebody. I think I will always love him, it was a quick love, painful and painless. I know it isn't over, that maybe it never will be, that my heart will always break when he looks at me, that I'll always wish that circumstances were different, that we could at least give it a go. But we are dangerous, he makes me far too powerful and far too weak. There has never been a happy medium in anything we do, passionate kisses followed by too tender of hugs. Kissing my nose, then biting my lip.

I'll see him around, smile whenever I hear a Londoner, catch my breath when I smell him. I will always want him, that's ok though, life always has a funny way of making sure you get the most out of it...and for now, I feel I have gotten the most out of him. He has allowed me to love again, fall quicker and harder...for that, I will walk away without looking back, and into my new life, completely and blissfully alone.

Set fire to the third bar.

I lost a best friend. On 15th September 2007. When I write it out it seems like so long ago, it feels like another life, I like to think that he still crosses my mind at some point every single day, but I'm not sure of that. However, I do know, that he crosses my mind in my most troubled of days, my saddest and happiest times. The days that you will look back and remember. The important days. My friend, Jordan David Thompson, lost his long battle with leukaemia age 15. He had survived once, it was in between the first and second battle that we became close friends. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and I know that I was lucky enough to have this guardian angel so that I would always have a standing point, when life seems difficult I would always have something, someone, to look at and aspire to be. To think 'what would Toma do?'

Losing a friend, so young and under such horrifying circumstances, is a very selfish thing I found. I wanted everyone to know that he was mine, that he was my friend, that this pain was mine, no one else's. Although, of course, it was so many others as well.

I cried for days. I walked around in a daze for weeks. Friendship was the only thing that got me through.

I remember, it was a friday night, my friend Rachel rang me, sobbing. Telling me Toma was getting worse, that they didn't think that he'd make it through the night. I was 15 at the time, just walked out of the house at 11pm. It was warm, the end of summer. I met Rach at the bottom of my street, she could barely stand. i didn't cry, the news hadn't hit, my head was all over. We all met up at the shops close by, sat on a field. Discussed everything. As it happened, it was said that if he made it through the night, he should be ok. He made it through the night, and the following day. We all went out to a gig that night, went our separate ways after an hour or so because we weren't actually old enough to get in. My friends dad picked us up while others went to the cinema. We were almost home, her phone went, she dropped it after about 20 seconds. Screamed so loud I remember actually reaching to open the door even though we were driving. We went to my friends, Andy. We had all split up about 2 hours before, yet suddenly we were all back together within the space of about 15 minutes. The night is a blur. He was gone. I cried for his mother, his father, but most of all his little sister. Because I could never image my life without my big brother. I could try and tell you about that night, but all I remember are the facts, everything else is muddled in the most painful of memories.

I can sit here now, 19 years old, and wonder why I have been given an extra 4 years on Jordan. Why do i get to live? Grow up? But to be honest, other than those 4 years, I have nothing on Jordan. He is my inspiration, my comic relief, my angel. I know that there is a heaven because there is no other place that he could possibly be. I can see his face so clear, so painfully clear. I smile thinking of it, no sadness at all when I see him this clear. I could say that I know Jordan would have been great if he was given the days, but he was already great. He was everything I long to be, positive, funny, caring, so full of life.

So, today, on his would-be nineteenth birthday, I spare a million thoughts for my friend, for our memories together, for the next nineteen years that I will try to match his courage and his strength, and try to be half the human being that he was. I love you, Toma. Thank you for letting me know you, and fall head over heels for you just like everybody else you ever met did. I miss you every single day, happy birthday xxx

This love is dirtier than you think.

I saw him, finally, a week later than I had anticipated. With two of my best girlfriends, Lauren and Hannah. Hannah's jaw dropped when she seen him, said she couldn't take her eyes off him, Lauren, a girl who really has never shown interest in men, said that he was divine, that finally she understood all the fuss. It wasn't what I wanted to hear, although it did make me smile. He saw me, he looked backed down to what he was doing, still smiling, he was serving others but kept his eyes on me. I got to the bar, he gave me a hug, whispered that it was good to see me. I felt very cold towards him and I don't know why, i was suddenly aware I hadn't seen him for 7 weeks and it wasn't as comfortable as it usually was, even though it was by no means awkward. I don't know if it was just because the girls were watching our every move. He asked me where we are going later "Why? You never end up coming out on a Saturday." I reply. "I will tonight, I hear you were at the strippers on Monday, we'll go there."he suggests. "I have a funny story for you about the strippers that you'll love" I was out with my brother and his friends on Monday, indeed at the strippers as his best friend is the manager and we get ludicrously cheap drinks, it was a brilliant night, until my brother seen a text off him by absolute chance and darn bad luck. He went berserk, we had half an hour argument over one measly text which, for the record, said absolutely nothing. It gave me a glimpse into the consequences of what would happen if he actually knew the half of it.

After about 3 minutes of conversation I ask the girls what they think of him "It is clear that he only has eyes for you, something about the way he looks at you and speaks to you, its like there is only you two. He is stupidly handsome, and stupidly confident, but there is something about him, I don't trust him." says Hannah.

"I don't like him. He is too confident I'd even say he was arrogant. I don't trust him with you, he's got a look in his eye when he talks to you that I don't like, like he knows what he's doing to you. He laps up all of the attention and just loves it. He seems like a complete prick and I 100% do not trust him with you." That is Lauren, my best friend talking. The one person who opinion I wanted to hear because I knew she'd tell me the full honest truth. I can genuinely put my hand on my heart and admit that yeah, he is confident verging on arrogant, he does lap up the attention, even thrives off it. But he is not a prick, he is actually one of the loveliest people I know and a joy to be around, but it is apparent that he does give off this first impression as this is what another friend thought of him the first time she met him.

We are set to leave the bar, I do my rounds to say good bye to everyone. I save him for last, tell him I'll text him later and that I'm staying at his "Tonight?" he asks "Stay on Monday please, you'll have work in the morning and I don't get home 'til about 3." He's right but I don't care, there are some things I need to do and say. It's now or never I tell him. He says that's fine, but we won't get anywhere near enough Michael Bolton into 5 hours as we should.

I think I stagger out at his at about quarter to 4, he came and met me out of the taxi, as soon as he seen me he grabbed my face and kissed me. It felt normal and familiar, good to be back. I tell him about Callum seeing the text, he is instantly alarmed, asking what he knows, if he knows. I reassure him that I talked him out of any ideas he may have had. I tell him that I'm glad he left when he did, that things got a bit heavy the last time I was there, he agrees and said that he had thought that, had forgot about it until he saw me again. Is it just wanting what we can't have I ask him. Probably, he answers, but we'll never know anyway. He is, of course, correct. The rest of the night, as they say, is history...

I sit here today feeling so calm about everything, so much better. Getting said things out of my system has given me such incredible clarity. We have been dangerously in lust since day one. So much so that we were willing to ruin relationships for it. I suppose we have in some ways. I love him, but not in the way I thought. I know he is going to be a part of my life and that this is by no means the end. But now, I feel that I can go on living my life without thoughts of him darkening every moment. I feel light, weightless, it is unbelievable. I hope we enjoy our last few weeks together, because above and beyond everything, I like to think that we are friends before anything. I am glad that that is finally my priority and first thought when I think about him. I know that if we could be together then we would be, but finally it seems that we both know that we can't, and that is ok. I hope I get the chance to enjoy him properly now, he is still my happy place, I think he will be long after I move away, but instead of that thought scaring me, as it has for months, it gives me great comfort.