This love is dirtier than you think.

I saw him, finally, a week later than I had anticipated. With two of my best girlfriends, Lauren and Hannah. Hannah's jaw dropped when she seen him, said she couldn't take her eyes off him, Lauren, a girl who really has never shown interest in men, said that he was divine, that finally she understood all the fuss. It wasn't what I wanted to hear, although it did make me smile. He saw me, he looked backed down to what he was doing, still smiling, he was serving others but kept his eyes on me. I got to the bar, he gave me a hug, whispered that it was good to see me. I felt very cold towards him and I don't know why, i was suddenly aware I hadn't seen him for 7 weeks and it wasn't as comfortable as it usually was, even though it was by no means awkward. I don't know if it was just because the girls were watching our every move. He asked me where we are going later "Why? You never end up coming out on a Saturday." I reply. "I will tonight, I hear you were at the strippers on Monday, we'll go there."he suggests. "I have a funny story for you about the strippers that you'll love" I was out with my brother and his friends on Monday, indeed at the strippers as his best friend is the manager and we get ludicrously cheap drinks, it was a brilliant night, until my brother seen a text off him by absolute chance and darn bad luck. He went berserk, we had half an hour argument over one measly text which, for the record, said absolutely nothing. It gave me a glimpse into the consequences of what would happen if he actually knew the half of it.

After about 3 minutes of conversation I ask the girls what they think of him "It is clear that he only has eyes for you, something about the way he looks at you and speaks to you, its like there is only you two. He is stupidly handsome, and stupidly confident, but there is something about him, I don't trust him." says Hannah.

"I don't like him. He is too confident I'd even say he was arrogant. I don't trust him with you, he's got a look in his eye when he talks to you that I don't like, like he knows what he's doing to you. He laps up all of the attention and just loves it. He seems like a complete prick and I 100% do not trust him with you." That is Lauren, my best friend talking. The one person who opinion I wanted to hear because I knew she'd tell me the full honest truth. I can genuinely put my hand on my heart and admit that yeah, he is confident verging on arrogant, he does lap up the attention, even thrives off it. But he is not a prick, he is actually one of the loveliest people I know and a joy to be around, but it is apparent that he does give off this first impression as this is what another friend thought of him the first time she met him.

We are set to leave the bar, I do my rounds to say good bye to everyone. I save him for last, tell him I'll text him later and that I'm staying at his "Tonight?" he asks "Stay on Monday please, you'll have work in the morning and I don't get home 'til about 3." He's right but I don't care, there are some things I need to do and say. It's now or never I tell him. He says that's fine, but we won't get anywhere near enough Michael Bolton into 5 hours as we should.

I think I stagger out at his at about quarter to 4, he came and met me out of the taxi, as soon as he seen me he grabbed my face and kissed me. It felt normal and familiar, good to be back. I tell him about Callum seeing the text, he is instantly alarmed, asking what he knows, if he knows. I reassure him that I talked him out of any ideas he may have had. I tell him that I'm glad he left when he did, that things got a bit heavy the last time I was there, he agrees and said that he had thought that, had forgot about it until he saw me again. Is it just wanting what we can't have I ask him. Probably, he answers, but we'll never know anyway. He is, of course, correct. The rest of the night, as they say, is history...

I sit here today feeling so calm about everything, so much better. Getting said things out of my system has given me such incredible clarity. We have been dangerously in lust since day one. So much so that we were willing to ruin relationships for it. I suppose we have in some ways. I love him, but not in the way I thought. I know he is going to be a part of my life and that this is by no means the end. But now, I feel that I can go on living my life without thoughts of him darkening every moment. I feel light, weightless, it is unbelievable. I hope we enjoy our last few weeks together, because above and beyond everything, I like to think that we are friends before anything. I am glad that that is finally my priority and first thought when I think about him. I know that if we could be together then we would be, but finally it seems that we both know that we can't, and that is ok. I hope I get the chance to enjoy him properly now, he is still my happy place, I think he will be long after I move away, but instead of that thought scaring me, as it has for months, it gives me great comfort.