So...I think I'm ready for a change. This worries me. I've been through a constant change for the past 10 months. I moved to Greece for 3 months, then I came back and moved to Manchester, alone, for 4 years. I've been there 7 months now, love every single part of it, but I'm lieing in bed now, terrified that this is it, for the next few years. Why can't I feel any sort of content anymore? The last time I did I remember...I was in Greece, about 3 days before I left, it was about 6pm and I was sitting with friends around the pool, it was that time of evening when the sun was going in but it was still so warm. One of my boys brought me over a beer, like he always did at that time. I remember looking around at these people who had been strangers to me a mere 10 weeks before, but who I trusted with my life every single day I was there. I remember that we didn't have work that night, we were all gonna go back to our little row of apartments, take a nap and hang out. Then we were gonna get dressed up and go and get drunk for one of the last times together. That feeling of order, safety, love in a place so random and once, so recently, unknown was unfathomable. I miss it, to the point I ache when I think about it, my heart quickens and I just lie awake thinking about it all the time. My best friend was with me, I know she had the time of her life, the greatest time any one could have, but I know I hold something completely different for it. I was so broken when I went there, vulnerable and fragile and one wrong move would have been detrimental. These people, these amazing people who I met, just seemed to glue me back together. Not only that, they seemed to find pieces that I didn't even know were missing. I can't explain the love I feel for them, even after months of not seeing some of them. I will always remember that summer, when I was young and broken and scared and carefree and stupid and loud and confident. The summer I laughed and loved and danced and sang and made a fool out of myself and became lustful and wanted. That is the best I have ever been. I learned from that place that you are always the best version of yourself when you are irrevocably happy. So, that is what I'm looking for now. That happiness.
I have the greatest friends a girl could ever want, this I know for 100% fact. I have a family who is supportive and hilarious yet still shadowed and troubled, we are a team, nothing can hold us down for long. I have my own home, with 3 flat mates who I adore. I am getting to the point now where I want to fall in love. With someone who will not let it pass them by. I need my heart to race like it did before, like it sometimes still does. I need that as a constant in my life. I strive when I feel the pressure of lust. I need someone to fight for me for once, because I don't think anyone really has before...I need to let someone in, I need to allow it. I feel like someone is going to come into my life soon but I don't know where or when. Many say my biggest assett is that I don't care what any one thinks of me, I am completely my own person and people actually always like me. I agree with that, not in an arrogant, dick head way, people do like me. I make an effort with everyone I meet. Conversation is easy for me and I think I have a way of making anyone feel comfortable. One of my best boy friends told me the other day that I was the girl who he goes home and tells his friends about, that I'm the one he'd compare a girl to, that I am the example that he and his friends hold as a pillar of the way they want their girl to be. I think that is one of the biggest compliments I could receive from him, the biggest player in Manchester, other than what followed that "You're the girl I've told my mum about as one of my best friends here."
I began writing this as a kind of 'let-off-steam-about-wanting-a-man', but I guess it kind of all comes down to yourself in the end. How you feel about yourself, how you see yourself. I see myself as a mess, but others seem to think I've got it figured out. What does that say about anything?
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