I can't get no sleep.

I can't breathe. I feel trapped, like I'm getting crushed from the inside out. It hits me rarely but when it does I want to give in to life. I want to scream and cry and push it away and run as fast and as far as I can so that it's not even a distant memory. I love him. I still fucking love him and it's all his fault. I hate him for doing this to me. For chewing me up and spitting me out when I never wanted any of this in the first place. HE wanted me. How the fuck did this happen? I lie awake terrified that I'm not going to have that feeling and I'm never going to let this go. I hear people talk about life regrets and all I can taste is the fear of standing at the alter with another man wishing that it was him. I'm 20 years old, this is normal, right? Is this first love, because I was with my ex-boyfriend for 3 years and never felt this. He's the one I fantasise about. The life we would lead. Make it stop. It isn't romantic, it's pathetic and tiring, I hate myself and I hate him for making me hate myself. I miss him but I never want to see him again. There is only so much you can hear from your friends, when they think that you're over it so feel that they can tell you, that they knew he was in love with me. I can't hear that he was in love with me. I can't hear about how he looked at me, how he speaks about me when I'm not around. Because I'm not ok. I can't keep comparing everyone in my life to him, and every experience to one we shared. It's boring. Please, let me let this go.